The Second Habit

Stephen Covey’s Second Habit states:

Begin with the End in Mind

The above short statement underscores the importance of having goals in whatever we engage in. It’s interesting that the word goals becomes relevant largely when talking about careers, and other big projects in life. I however want to make the case for having goals, and taking a long term approach in many of our decisions.

Envisioning how things will be years from now is indeed a noble thing.

Relationships and Fellowship

It has been documented that over and above work, it is those who we relate with that end up having a profound impact in our lives. Late last year, I was discussing with a friend, about the importance of actually purposing to become someone’s friend.

This may not seem like something worth thinking about. It however becomes increasing clear that we need to be ready and willing to make the friendships work, largely by giving sans expecting payback for our benevolence.

Planting Trees…

Well, it is not Green Kenya stuff I’m getting into here.

A few weeks ago, some friends asked me to prune some trees outside my house and sell them the branches for firewood. I declined. My reasons were rather simple – 1) the trees in question will be needed for other uses several years from now and 2) I do not have replacements right now, whatever trees I have recently planted are too young. One of them reminded me that I may not live long enough to use those trees if I keep on saying such stuff.

All this got me thinking, “Do we only live for the here and now, with no regard for the future?” Furthermore, must our future be assured so that we can do good things that might outlive us?

I was reminded of a favorite wise saying that the essence of a life well lived is planting trees under whose shade we do not intend to sit.

The Challenge

The onus is therefore upon us to do things that will not only benefit us, by taking a long term approach to life.

What say you?

“The first Degree of Folly, is to conceit one’s self wise;
the second to profess it;
the third to despise Counsel.”
- Benjamin Franklin (Poor Richard’s Almanak)

The very thought of finding modern truth in ancient wisdom came alive in my mind after I read Jonathan Haidt’s ‘Happiness Hypothesis’.
In the book, Mr Haidt examines ten ancient ideas which have been tested and qualified by modern science. He then extracts lessons that still apply in our modern lives.

The author states that the overwhelming availability and abundance of wisdom undermines the quality of our engagement in life.
This book is worth reading, and has been highlighted in The Walkabout in a previous post. The introduction and several chapter summaries are available for free download.

One of my favorite bloggers at Diasporadical recently wrote that the reason we cannot understand tradition is that we invariably look at it through modern eyes.

Whenever I spend an hour or two with senior citizens in my neighborhood, I usually consider that time precious. Their take on life and its attendant issues may seem at first glance a bit out of fashion.
They however have had the advantage of time, having lived through it all and seen times change. They may not have adapted their thinking, but their opinion surely does count.

That said, we may want to look back at the truths that still hold true regardless of how much has changed. Having an attitude that acknowledges and accommodates the notion that change does not necessarily invalidate the past puts us in a position of advantage – living in modern times, with history according us valuable life lessons.

Traditional practices, ancient sayings… even old people may well be representative of a past we feel we no longer need. They however have a place in our lives , giving us insights we can reflect on and wisdom that still holds true.

These are the things that define our heritage, that help us cherish the days gone by,  ancient wisdom that we can invariably rely on in our daily lives.

Straight from the Heart, Straight to the Point

Well, this is a quick blog post that carries so much weight, it’ll be replicated on the Complit Design as well as Green Kenya.

Beginning July 6, I took time off because I saw the need to take a completely new approach to running things at Complit Communications. Much of this was partly inspired by the knowledge that The End of Something inevitably means the Beginning of Everything… if one takes the necessary steps to make that happen.

Good to Great

A more compelling reason to repurpose and refocus was reading ‘Good to Great’ by Jim Collins. I haven’t read the entire book, but its basic premise is that the curse of competence makes many people settle for just being good. That is essentially why many never become great – they are just content being good.

Additionally, I have been reminded that greatness is not a function of circumstance but a matter of conscious choice. That said, a great vision without great people is irrelevant. In line with this, I had to take time so as to decide on what needs to be done to realize greatness.

Less is More

According to Nido Qubein, “Nothing can add more power to one’s life than concentrating all their energies on a limited set of targets.”

For this reason, I’ve had to drop some projects. I need to concentrate more on that which makes more sense, matters most and I can be passionate about.

Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom

Being in the creative field, I believe that David Ogilvy’s advertising mantra pretty sums up what I have in mind:

Research: coming, as he did, from a background in research, he never underestimated its importance in advertising. In fact, in 1952, when he opened his own agency, he billed himself as research director.

Professional discipline: “I prefer the discipline of knowledge to the anarchy of ignorance.” He codified knowledge into slide and film presentations he called Magic Lanterns. He also instituted several training programs for young advertising professionals.

Creative brilliance: had a strong emphasis on the “BIG IDEA.”

Results for clients: “In the modern world of business, it is useless to be a creative, original thinker unless you can also sell what you create.”

Back to Basics

In the realms of greatness, I am keen not to lose sight of the fact that “the only way to remain great is to keep applying the fundamental principles that made me great.”

In days to come, we shall have posts that will add more value and which reflect this new purpose.

Thank you for your support, looking forward to your comments, suggestions and sharing.

Rom 12:1  I therefore urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercies, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices that are holy and pleasing to God, for this is the reasonable way for you to worship.

Rom 12:2  Do not be conformed to this world, but continually be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may be able to determine what God’s will is-what is proper, pleasing, and perfect.

Rom 12:3  For by the grace given to me I ask every one of you not to think of yourself more highly than you should think, rather to think of yourself with sober judgment on the measure of faith that God has assigned each of you.

Rom 12:4  For we have many parts in one body, but these parts do not all have the same function.

Rom 12:5  In the same way, even though we are many people, we are one body in Christ and individual parts connected to each other.

Rom 12:6  We have different gifts based on the grace that was given to us. So if your gift is prophecy, use your gift in proportion to your faith.

Rom 12:7  If your gift is serving, devote yourself to serving others. If it is teaching, devote yourself to teaching others.

Rom 12:8  If it is encouraging, devote yourself to encouraging others. If it is sharing, share generously. If it is leading, lead enthusiastically. If it is helping, help cheerfully.

Rom 12:9  Your love must be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.

Rom 12:10  Be devoted to each other with mutual affection. Excel in showing respect for each other.

Rom 12:11  Never be lazy in showing such devotion. Be on fire with the Spirit. Serve the Lord.

Rom 12:12  Be joyful in hope, patient in trouble, and persistent in prayer.

Rom 12:13  Supply the needs of the saints. Extend hospitality to strangers.

Rom 12:14  Bless those who persecute you. Keep on blessing them, and never curse them.

Rom 12:15  Rejoice with those who are rejoicing. Cry with those who are crying.

Rom 12:16  Live in harmony with each other. Do not be arrogant, but associate with humble people. Do not think that you are wiser than you really are.

Rom 12:17  Do not pay anyone back evil for evil, but focus your thoughts on what is right in the sight of all people.

Rom 12:18  If possible, so far as it depends on you, live in peace with all people.

Rom 12:19  Do not take revenge, dear fiends, but leave room for God’s wrath. For it is written, “Vengeance belongs to me. I will pay them back, declares the Lord.”

Rom 12:20  But “if your enemy is hungry, feed him. For if he is thirsty, give him a drink. If you do this, you will pile burning coals on his head.”

Rom 12:21  Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good.

Learn and Share

Late last year, a very inspiring tweep and fellow blogger handed me a copy of Jim Collin’s bestseller Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and others Don’t.

Owing to commitments and other hitherto scheduled reads, I gave the book to my dad, who has really liked reading it.

I have however started reading the book, and just flipping through the pages, I realize it has wonderful insights that apply both in business and in life.

Good to Great

What Others Say

This post isn’t exactly a review of the book. You can read editorial reviews at Amazon.

A quick glance at the first chapter [titled Good is the Enemy of Great]:

Good is the enemy of Great.

And that is one of the key reasons why we have so little that becomes great.

We don’t have great schools, principally because we have good schools. We don’t have great government, principally because we have good government. Few people attain great lives, in large part because it is just so easy to settle for a good life.

The vast majority of companies never become great, precisely because the vast majority become quite good – and that is their main problem.

Worth Reading?

Yes. This is a book that will remind you that just being good isn’t enough, and show you the way to being great.

You then get to do the needful to become great!

Premise: Following various reports of heinous crimes being committed in our country, and the recent confession by a former G4S employee of killing 17 people, many Kenyans are shocked at the frequency and intensity of violence.

Violent Times Many people believe that we live in especially violent times. But is this true? To better understand this, we need to distinguish violence against other people and against things. In fact, the concept of using force [read violence] to realize law and order in civil societies is in many situations inspired by a mood as violent as that which it claims to fight. Heightened Awareness All in all, rising crime continues to be much discussed, with statistics frightening many people. Hate and destructiveness are impulses which obscure rational and objective thinking and easily create a polarization, by reinforcing each other. Is Violence Inherent? 1) An affirmative answer has been maintained from Hobbes to Freud to Lorenz. Those who subscribe to this school of thought maintain that aggression and destructiveness are innate, directed toward self or toward others. 2) A counterview asserts that man is good by nature, and only destructive because social circumstances corrupt him. Others assert that aggressiveness is learned. This was the thinking that was popularized by psychological experts during the age of enlightenment. 3) A third view, originally presented by John Dollard, maintains that aggression is always occasioned by frustration. Despite all the above however, some individuals and societies have either very high or very low levels of violence. The case with Humans The theory that violence is hereditary and has been passed down generations is found wanting, upon the observation that other mammals, especially primates are less aggressive and destructive than man. Human destructiveness is consistently more frequent and intense. It can therefore only be explained as a result of specific conditions on our existence, not animal hereditary or as a neurophysical necessity. Types of Human Aggressiveness

• Reactive or defensive aggressiveness – when vital interests are threatened.
• Lustful aggressiveness – sadism, and cruel desire to exercise absolute control over others
• Necrophilia – a cold, unalive attraction to death, decay, sickness and the mechanical

Controlling Destructiveness Main causes of Violence

• Feeling of anxiety
• mechanization of life, where thinking and reasoning are much separated
• powerlessness of individuals
• contradiction between values professed and what is acted

Control Measures

• individuals should cease to feel powerless
• compulsive consumption should be reduced
• humanization of our technological society
• society must serve human ends – growth and development of humans
• emotions and reason should be brought together

In a nutshell Reduction of violence will be achieved not through an increased control of aggression and violence, but reduction of destructiveness and violence. This is best done by making individual and social life more meaningful and human. Note: This post has been condensed from the article “The Nature of Violence” by Eric Fromm

From Time Immemorial

Towards the end of March this year, I watched the 10th episode of the final season [6] of the wildly popular TV Series LOST. Titled Ab Aeterno, which is a Latin phrase that means “from an infinitely remote time in the past”, the episode tells Richard Alpert’s back story.

Having accidentally killed his physician in 1867, Richard [then known as Ricardo] is sentenced to hang. While in jail, Ricardo reads his Bible. Minutes before his execution, a priest visits him. At this point, Ricardo is reading from the book of Luke, chapter 4.

It is Written

This entire chapter is an account of  Jesus’ activities shortly after he returned from his 40-day fast in the wilderness.

Following are personal deductions from various verses in the chapter, with respect to how relevant they are to our every day life situations:

• v2-3 Not just God, but the devil too will often meet you at your point of need.
• v13 Overcoming temptations is not an end in itself. The devil usually leaves for just a while, only to return when you are no longer steadfast or keen to resist temptation.
• v23 Human beings just love to compare themselves with others.
• v25 Some things are meant for only some people. That is why only the widow in Zarephath was fed in the days of Elijah, inasmuch as the entire land was experiencing famine.
• v27 Likewise, only Naaman the Syrian was healed of leprosy in the days of Elisha
• v28-29 People cannot handle the truth, they will all too often get very angry and irrationally kill the messenger…
• v31, 32, 36,37 Thankfully, the people of Capernaum had a different reaction. They welcomed the message of God. They went ahead and shared the good news with others, thereby spreading the word everywhere
• v40 Jesus did perform miracles and heal the sick
• v42 These people were so interested in Jesus’ message, that they sought him and requested him to stay on with them

The Human Condition

In view of the above, I found it very striking that people can react so differently to the exact same message. Additionally, people will invariably compare themselves with others.

Unique, just like every person else

The widow who was fed in Zarephath and Naaman the syrian who was healed of leprosy, both underscore the importance of understanding that some things are only meant for some people, no matter how much we feel we deserve similar treatment.

Additionally, not every good thing comes from the right place or person, or is offered with noble intentions. We therefore need to be discerning whenever seemingly good things come our way.

Standing by our word

The devil departed from Jesus Christ only for a while.

This basically means that winning the battle doesn’t necessarily mean that the war has been won. We therefore need to be steadfast in seeking good and overcoming evil.

The Written Word

The more I read this and many other chapters in the Bible, the more I realize that there are many ways of looking at everything that happens to us.

In the same vein, the more I marvel at the genius of the writers of LOST.

What do you think?

“The will to meaning is the basic motivation for human life.” -

Viktor Frankl (Holocaust survivor)

A Better Understanding

Seeking meaning and purpose is perhaps the singular reason that human beings progress. This is what makes life worth living, as we seek a deeper understanding of ourselves and life, despite its attendant complexities.

Even in the face of suffering, humanity is still defined by a will that is largely predicated on this very search for wisdom, purpose and direction.

Cries from the Heart

As we encounter many things in life, we still keep believing that there are answers to many of life’s questions. At times, we get drained and want more while on this search. But we still continue to believe.

While some seek understanding in the sciences, technology and varied belief systems, others search within. Still, others seek answers from the supernatural or from a higher power. All these are Cries from the Heart which have continued since time began.

Stories of Struggle and Hope

Human struggle is as ubiquitous as the air we breath. It is indeed true that life is not a bed of roses. And even when we insist on looking and focusing on the roses amongst thorns, we cannot wish away the thorns which keep pricking our sides, we still have to attend to various pertinent issues in our lives.

Cries from the Heart is a book written by Johanne Christoph Arnold. He is a counsellor and pastor who has served over twenty five years. He has written several other books, many of which you can get on his website.

Book Contents

CONTENTS

to the reader 7

foreword 9

1. searching – God finds an atheist 11

2. finding – is someone really there? 18

3. believing – even when children die? 24

4. universality – call it what you will 31

5. god’s messengers – angels at work 38

6. emotional suffering – when you can’t pray 45

7. illness – where the doctor leaves off 54

8. despair – talking to a wall 69

9. attitude – thank God I’m not like that! 83

10. reverence – meet your maker 95

11. letting go – my will be done 105

12. remorse – when you’ve messed up 114

13. protection – alive to tell it 126

14. selflessness – someone needs you 134

15. service – words are not enough 140

16. contemplation – be quiet and listen 149

17. worship – giving thanks in a death camp 160

18. unity – divided we fall 166

19. marriage – unlocking horns 171

20. unanswered prayer – isn’t “no” an answer? 179

21. miracles – what do you expect? 186

22. prayer in daily life – keeping the faith 199

23. faithfulness – one thing never changes 207

Get the FREE eBook

Let me know if you’d like me to Email you this eBook. You can however download it directly at ChristophArnold.com.

I hope you’ll like it and find it worth your while. Be sure to share with others too.

Happy reading!

Six Degrees

The Six Degrees of Separation or “Human Web” concept has been explored in various literally works and the creative arts for many years all over the world.

Essentially, it asserts that all human beings are largely interconnected.

Since the 1990 play and the 1993 film of the same name, the Six Degrees of Separation concept has been prominently deployed in the immensely popular TV Show LOST. It has also inspired films such as Crash and Babel.

Babel

This is a movie that stars an ensemble cast. It focuses on four interrelated sets of situations and characters – in Morocco, Japan, United States and Mexico.

Basically, a high-powered rifle originally owned by a Japanese hunter is used by two boys in Morocco to critically injure an American tourist [Susan].

At home in the USA, the Mexican nanny in charge of Richard and Susan’s twin children is involved in border trespass after attending her son’s wedding in Tijuana, Mexico.

Noteworthy themes

Throughout the movie, misunderstandings abound:

> The immediate classification of the American tourist’s shooting as a terrorist act, Amelia’s [Mexican nanny]treatment by the border police and the treatment of local Arabs by the American tourists. All this has obvious racial undertones.

> Suspicion and misplaced priorities – the tourists in the bus are quick to leave to avoid the desert heat as well as forestall “further attacks” by the locals.

> Political issues between governments significantly hinder quick help for Susan.

Despite the above, and what I found most inspiring, is the willingness of strangers [the local veterinarian and the bus tour guide] to be of help. In fact, the tour guide declined financial compensation from Richard [Susan's husband] as Susan was being carried away in a helicopter.

Somebody for Someone

In their song Somebody for Someone, The Corrs capture the very essence of being there for other people:

“Look at me, see me’ ‘look at me, save me’

‘Free me, find me ‘cos if there’s

Somebody for someone, yeah look at me”

Somebody for someone

Bridges

A while back, I blogged on the Walkabout about the need to communicate, create human bridges and be united in purpose.

The human bridge is nurtured by introduction, familiarity and co-operation. With a common purpose, everything becomes possible.

We therefore need to be there for one another, even without the presence of a crisis. We have to go beyond merely being there with one another.

NOTE:
This is the final post in my 3-part Valentines Day series. Read the First part and the Second part here.

I used to laugh whenever I read or heard that a certain celebutard had checked himself into a Sex Rehab facility. Tiger Woods, Eric Benét, Charlie Sheen… and the list goes on.

As I grew up and read more, I became more enlightened and open-minded. While in campus, a random book quickly turned into a gem that has so far liberated me emotionally, and helped me take charge of my love life. A love life which I must say, is quite simple but most uncommon.

That said, I bet I can now safely assume that you the reader, are now more open minded in regard to this very unconventional and searching perspective on our sex and love lives.

What is Love and Sex Addiction?

In his book Sex & Love: Addiction, Treatment and Recovery, Eric Griffin-Shelley notes that many of us are very hesitant to label someone an addict, owing to the stereotypes we have of addicts. We instead prefer to refer to these defects of character as “bad habits”, something we find more palatable and socially acceptable.

The word addict has a Latin root, ad dictum, which means “to the dictator.” When people were captured and sent into slavery, they were sent ad dictum. The idea of addiction as enslavement is something to which most addicts would readily agree. When you are addicted, you feel that you have no choice and are powerless to stop. Addicts are out of balance and out of control.

An addiction is an enslavement to an activity, person, or thing that is characterized by imbalance, lack of control, loss of power, distortion of values, inflexible centralness to the person’s life, unhealthiness, pathology, chronicity, progression, and potential fatality. More simply put, an addict is a person who cannot say “no.”

A sex and love addict cannot say “no” to his or her impulses to have sex or get into a love relationship. An addict is a person whose thoughts and behaviors are causing problems but who cannot stop them. In addition to these definitions, a sex and love addiction involves a high, tolerance, craving, dependence, withdrawal, obsession, compulsion, secrecy, and a personality change.

A Fearless Moral Inventory

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
- Socrates

Many of us have for a long time mistaken their sex and love addictions as a normal human need to love and be loved, to have company and to be in a meaningful relationship.

The biggest hindrance to tackling the sex and love addictions that many people are in, is the fact that sex and love matters are rarely discussed. Far too many people prefer to handle their own matters of the heart, which unfortunately is to their peril.

The 4th Step in most addicts anonymous recovery programs is a searching and fearless moral inventory of one’s life. This then becomes a habitual thing, as espoused in step 10 where one continues to take personal inventory, and promptly admits when they find out they are wrong.

Following are the 12 Characteristics of Sex and Love addicts:

1 Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
2 Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God.
3 Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.
4 We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
5 We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
6 We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing, care, and support.
7 We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
8 We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
9 We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.
10 We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities.
11 To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.
12 We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

If you still have lingering doubts whether or not you are an addict, you may want to ask yourself the more searching 40 Questions for Self Diagnosis.
Don’t be surprised when you realize most of your answers are YES.

A Willingness to Change

“Now willing to listen and take suggestions, I have found that the process of discovering who I really am begins with knowing who I really don’t want to be.
I have grown emotionally and intellectually. It has give me my sanity and an all-around sense of balance.”
- Safe Haven (Personal Stories in the A.A. Big Book)

If you have gotten this far in this note, you may be wondering why all the details.
The reason is simple: It’s not fitting to try to address a problem that is not well defined. As of now, you have found out exactly where you lie [no pun intended] in this sex and love addiction business.

Given what we now know, many would only want to change for better.
Additionally, you’ll walk into Valentines well-knowing exactly what your affection for the other part(y)ies is. Is it genuine, healthy love, or a destructive sex and love addiction?

The good news is that you are not alone. Many others are seeking the same answers in their efforts to find meaning in their lives.

It is my believe that once enlightened, many people display an amazing ability to make decisions that lead to choices that greatly improve their lives.
This note shares that information, in the firm belief that you’ll then go ahead and make good use of that information.

Now is the time to do the needful, even as we learn and share on matters that shape our lives.

Summary

In the first post, we learnt from David Richo what practical steps there are to help us become human, so that we can gain self respect and build healthy and compassionate relationships.

In the second post, we have sought to be open minded so as to better open our minds to scrutiny, self diagnosis and experience.

In this third and final post, we learn what sex and love addiction is, and further seek to find out if we are addicts or not. We can then use the knowledge so far gained to better define our relationships from now on.

RESOURCES

Sex and Love: Addiction, Treatment and Recovery by Eric Griffin-Shelley

40 Questions for Self Diagnosis

Porn Again Christian [free eBook Download]

Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction